Famous Politicians as Pretentious Desserts
Try the Rick Santorum — Cream horns topped with unsettling brown foam
The Barack Obama — Caramelized apple slices, cinnamon, organic honey, and drone-whipped cream.
The Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (for Democrats) — Blue-raspberry coulis, angel food cake, sprinkles.
The Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (for Republicans) — Red-blueberry coulis, devil’s food cake, panic attack.
The Joe Manchin — Hardtack biscuit baked for 75 years in a cursed kiln, topped with fresh strawberries and tarantula venom.
The Justin Trudeau — One hundred pounds of ornate, swirly fondant surrounding a teeny tiny piece of poutine-flavored gelatin.
The Joe Biden — Saltine cupcake, mayonnaise frosting. Sorry, it was either this or a face-eating leopard (also covered in mayonnaise).
The Beto O’Rourke — We can’t remember what’s in this dessert, but we have vaguely positive feelings about it.
The Ted Cruz — We know exactly what’s in this dessert, and we have strongly negative feelings about it.
The Mark Meadows — Dense pound cake, shredded documents, en flambé.
The Boris Johnson — Water-flavored flour, flour-flavored water, salt, glue.
The Greg Abbott — Nursing home banana pudding, gunpowder crème anglaise, vanilla-scented bigotry.
The Rick Santorum — Cream horns topped with unsettling brown foam.
The Stacey Abrams — In progress, check back in 2024.
The Andrew Yang — An NFT of a stoned hedgehog dipped in Bitcoin-flavored marshmallow fluff. (Note: this dessert costs $17,000 and is delivered to you as a flash drive on a spoon).
The Mitch McConnell — An old goat who we bring to your table to eat your dessert and your wallet.
The Ron DeSantis — Smashed twinkies shaped into 3D Mickey Mouse ears, Cool Whip, gutter water.
The Bernie Sanders — A pickle in a puddle of maple syrup, served in a used Chinese food to-go box.
The Kyrsten Sinema — Sorry, it’s sold out.
The Emmanuel Macron — Our most well-labeled dessert: The Macron Macaron Macaroon.
The Jacinda Ardern — A table-sized pavlova with Suck It, Australia written out in kiwi slices.
The Rand Paul — Five dozen tubs of Funfetti frosting smeared over Ayn Rand’s corpse.
The Kim Jong Un — A deflated basketball covered in sugar syrup and rocket fuel.
The Hillary Clinton — Discontinued. Nobody ordered this one.
The Vladimir Putin — A pile of blini shaped like Joseph Stalin and bedecked with blood-red berries, this pièce de résistance is fired at your table from a howitzer as your waiter declares: “Russian pastry, go fuck yourself.”
Dae Selcer is a writer from Minneapolis who is good at baking and bad at knowing what other people are thinking. She loves powerlifting and mischief. Read her work in The Belladonna, Points in Case, Little Old Lady Comedy, Funny-ish, and keyed onto her nemesis’ car.
